Out-of-Body Experience

A friend says to me, “hey Dave, want to know the fast track to aging?”

“What’s that?” I say.

“Running!” he says.

Sadly, there’s some truth in the joke. For every mile you run, you burn 100 calories. Once you’ve trimmed the fat off the usual places, it starts coming off your face and upper body. Makes you look a little, er, grizzled.

I don’t care, I’m addicted. I’ve got a 100-miler coming up next month, so I’m cramming in as many long runs as possible. Twenty, thirty, forty miles at a time.

I love the long runs. After a couple of hours of plodding down a trail, I generally slip into a trance. The breath goes in, the breath goes out. My feet smack the pavement 180 times a minute. Running becomes a meditation. I do not smile or wave at the people I pass. Instead, I focus on keeping my body tilted slightly forward, and snapping my feet right back into the air the moment they hit the pavement. (That’s the trick to being fast, by the way – let your feet touch the ground for as short a time as possible.)

I’ve got pictures of me running, and it always astonishes me to look at them. Usually, both of my feet are in midair. Given that I’ve been running every day for the last 17 years, I have to wonder: how much of my life have I spent completely disconnected from the earth?

Once, during a marathon, I had an out-of-body experience. I was running up a nasty hill. I’d covered 22 miles, and I was getting tired. “Blinding wall of pain” is a little strong, but I was getting into that territory.

Suddenly, all pain vanished. I couldn’t feel my legs. It seemed to me that I was sitting inside my ribcage, peeking out between my bones at the scenery floating by. I wasn’t doing the running anymore. Someone else was. I was just sitting comfortably in that ribcage, like a kid in a grocery cart.

Then suddenly, I was looking down on myself from above. I saw a short-haired dude in Mizuno sneakers and Drifit shorts, struggling up a ten degree hill. I didn’t see this person as a runner though – I saw him as an extension of the earth. I thought to myself: what silly perseverance! What pointless ambition! And then I stared to laugh.

Of course, the moment I laughed, the vision disappeared. My normal consciousness – and the pain – returned.

I finished that marathon in 3:04:25. Did pretty well in my age category too. My age category, by the way, is 35-49. Of course, I don’t look a day over 60.

Thunder Running

Reasons not to run on the Bruce Trail during a thunderstorm:

A tree could fall on you and you could die.
You could get swallowed by the mud and die.
Lightning could strike you and you could die.
You could slip off the 500-foot scarp face and die.

Reasons to run on the Bruce Trail during a thunderstorm:

It’s super fun.

At a certain point, when you’re soaking wet and freezing cold and lathered in mud, and the forest is as dark as night, and the rain is lashing you like a blizzard of molars, and you’ve still got 15 kilometers left to go before you get back to the car, well, at a certain point, you’ve just got to throw up your hands and laugh, don’t you? After all, you checked the weather online. You saw the probability of precipitation (75%) and the expected accumulation (20 – 40 mm), and you saw those clouds amassing on the horizon like an army of unwashed hoodies. You knew what you were in for and you just laughed, didn’t you? Well, now it’s time to laugh again.

As for all that mud, well, that can’t be a surprise either. You do you know what happens to dirt trails when you add water to them, don’t you? You did play in a sandbox as a child, right? When water is added to dirt, that dirt turns into mud. You know this. If you add enough water, you get something worse than mud. You get a slippery, shoe-sucking, toffee-like substance called glop.

But it’s not all bad, is it? There’s nothing like hypothermia and mud inhalation and blood loss and the threat of plunging into a crevasse cave fathoms deep to fire up the old endorphins, is there? Especially when you arrive back at your car after three hours of slogging through rushing creek-beds, and stare at yourself in the rear-view mirror only to see a hollow-eyed, scabby-elbowed, tick-bitten runner; hair singed from stray lightning bolts, face besmirched with mosquito guts, and you swear you’ve never seen anything quite so idiotic!

“We Can Always Do Anything”

It’s time for another INSPIRATIONAL THURSDAY!

And I’ll start it off with a question. Is it really possible for a 13 year-old to run a 100-mile race?

I get that question all the time, since that’s what my book is about: a kid who runs the longest of ultra-marathons in an attempt to outrun a tragic family secret.

Is such a thing actually possible?

HECK YEAH!

Of course, I don’t actually know any 13 year-olds who have successfully completed a 100-mile race. But it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they had. Kids are capable of ANYTHING. There are kids out there who’ve run multiple marathons, and kids who have swum across great lakes.

And then there’s Conner and Cayden Long, who take the word inspiration to a whole new level:

“We can always do anything.” Love that.

Bad Sun, but not Badwater

Hot day for running today. 35 degrees in my neck of the woods.

Heat, as a rule, is a bad thing for runners. Increase your core temperature by a mere 8 degrees, and you’ll likely die of multiple organ failure.

I thought about this while I ran today’s 20-kilometer loop, sweat pouring off of my body like I was Chris Farley’s masseur.

I also thought about the fact that the heat from the sun takes precisely 8 minutes and 16 seconds to travel from the surface of the sun to the surface of my face. You probably already knew that. But did you know that the energy that warms your face also had to spend between 10,000 and 1 million years traveling from the core of the sun through a soup of hydrogen 320,000 miles deep, before it reached the sun’s surface?

That means, that pesky sunshine that’s heating up your body to dangerous levels spent up to a million years (plus 8 minutes and 16 seconds) trying to get to you. So be grateful.

Unless you’re running the 135-mile Badwater ultra-marathon in California’s Death Valley, where temperatures are likely to hit 50 degrees celcius. Then you can complain all you want.

You’ll notice in that video that most people run on the white line at the edge of the highway. That’s because it’s the coolest part of the road – and therefore the least likely to melt their shoes.

Looks like fun!

An Ultra-Challenge for July

Of all the months, July is THE BEST. July is like hitting a bunch of green lights in a row. It’s better than the smell of crayons. It’s the Justin Timberlake of months.

I usually take the whole month off, rent a cabin surrounded by hills and trails, and just run. Last year, near Collingwood, I logged 347 miles on the Bruce Trail. The July before that, I covered 316 miles in the Haliburton Forest. The July before that I managed, well, only 272 miles, but that’s because I was running up and down mountains in France.

Running up “The Canigou” – near Perpignan, France

This July, I’ve set an even BIGGER challenge. In addition to running 12 miles per day, I’m determined to write my second novel.

WHAT??? In a month? Who does he think he is – Stephen King?

Actually, I don’t have to write it from scratch. I wrote a first draft a couple of years ago, but then I set it aside, so I could work on my other book, which is, you know, actually getting published.

This July is the first chance I’ve had to go back to work on that other writing project. It’s a big, messy, 60,000-word turd right now, but I’m excited about polishing it into a diamond.

So every day this July, in addition to burning 1000 calories on the trail, I’m hoping to produce 2000 words. Words that glitter like spun glass, words that gleam like dragonflies in sunshine, words that shimmer like cobwebbed trees in summery skies…

Okay, I’ll stop now.

This July, I’m also planning to: eat 30 salads, drink 30 cups of coffee, watch 30 sunsets, take 30 naps, and watch zero television shows.

Wish me luck!

My First Book Interview

My novel is going to the printer TODAY. Synchronize your watches – it’ll be hitting the bookstores in ten weeks.

I had my first book interview today. Strange experience. I work for the media, so for years, I’ve been the one asking the questions, not answering them. Role reversal!

Still, it was fun to talk about these characters who’ve been making a racket inside my head for the last three years.

Here are the first five questions I was asked as an author:

Q: What is the best part of being an author?

I love that the gear is so cheap! If I wanted to be a professional snowboarder, I’d have to spend hundreds of dollars on equipment. The board, the boots, the bindings, the jacket… Pricey! But all an author needs is a pen and some paper. What does that cost – maybe $5?

Also, I never get hurt, writing books. That’s a definite plus for me. If I was a hockey player in the NHL, I’d probably get hit a lot. I’m a bit of a wimp when it comes to getting hit, so that wouldn’t be much fun. As an author, the worst thing that can happen is I get a paper cut.

The best thing about being an author, however, is that the job is dead easy. The alphabet only has 26 letters. So all I have to do is arrange those letters in such a way that they tell a good story. How hard could that be?

Q: What inspired you to write Ultra?

Five years ago, I did an insane thing. I entered a hundred-mile footrace. For 24 hours – all day and all night – I ran through a forest. Some runners saw bears along the route, and all through the night I heard wolves howling in the distance. It was a terrifying and exhausting experience. But when I crossed the finish line, my life had changed. I’d always thought it was impossible to run 100 miles in a day, but now that I’d done it, the whole world seemed different. I’d changed the goalposts of what I believed was possible. So I decided to try something else that I’d always thought was impossible – writing and publishing a novel. And voila!

Q: What was the hardest part of writing this book?

Deciding whether or not the main character, Quinn, should win the race. For the longest time, I had him crossing the finish line first. But then I decided that he shouldn’t win; that something else – something dramatic – should happen instead. So I rewrote the ending. But then I gave the book to family members to read, and they complained about the ending. So I rewrote it again, and then again.

I went back and forth, rewriting that ending for a year. I can’t even remember anymore whether Quinn wins or loses the race. But I will say this. Most 100-mile races don’t give prizes to the winners. Usually the winner just gets a pat on the back, a warm blanket, and a bowl of vegetable soup. Almost nobody runs a 100-mile race in order to win. They do it for other, much stranger reasons.

Q: In what ways are you like Quinn, the protagonist in your book?

I share Quinn’s determination. Once I get an idea into my head, I’ll stick with it, no matter how much it hurts. That’s why I can run 100 miles in one go. Also, I love being outside, and I’m okay with being alone sometimes. I’m a bit of an introvert, and I think Quinn is too.

And finally, like Quinn, I have a really solid friend. And an amazing family that supports me – even when I do crazy things.

Q: What was your favourite book growing up?

“Swallows and Amazons” by Arthur Ransome. It’s about a group of kids who climb mountains and race sailboats and survive shipwrecks and explore the high English moors. Their parents are nowhere in sight, and the kids are always outdoors, facing the elements. My dad read that book aloud for my whole family when I was a kid. He’d read one chapter each night before bedtime, and the next morning me and my brother would race for the book so we could read on ahead.

“Swallows and Amazons” was the first in a long series, and Dad read us every single one over the course of a long, magical summer. And that’s saying something, since there are twelve books in the series, and each one is 350 pages long. Looking back, I think that experience cemented my love of reading. Dad reading those books out loud.

Amazing Human Tricks

Admit it – you can do a weird trick with your body. Maybe you can wiggle your ears, or crack your knuckles. Maybe you can change your eye colour at will.

We all have weird party tricks we can do with our bodies. A couple of years back, when I was producing a live comedy show, I met a guy who could fit his whole body through a tennis racquet:

The question arises – what good could it possibly do to squeeze your body through a tennis racquet while simultaneously juggling rubber balls?

Answer: it does you no good whatsoever. But hey, it’s fun! And you get to appear on live comedy shows.

My own personal trick is rather peculiar. I can talk backwards. Listen:

https://writerunrepeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/dave-talks-backwards-2.mp3

Actually, they never did invite me back.

But listen – in that radio show appearance, I only flipped the words in each sentence around, and repeated them back in the opposite order. Since then, I’ve learned that some people can actually speak backwards phonetically. That is to say, they can flip all the individual letters in each word around, and then pronounce them back-to-front.

Kind of like this girl:

OK, So You’ve Run Into a Bear. Now What?

A few days ago I wrote about running into bears while on the trail. It’s a daunting prospect, and there are lots of things you can do to prevent it from happening (like making lots of noise).

But suppose you do run into a bear. What then?

No single strategy is guaranteed to work in all situations, but you can minimize your risk by doing the following:

First, keep your distance from the bear and remain calm. Don’t run away. In most cases, if you make some noise, the bear will leave.

Don’t be surprised if the bear rises up on its hind legs. Bears are curious animals, and often stand up to get a better view, or to catch your scent. Back away slowly and speak in a firm voice.

A bear that swats at the ground, swings its head from side to side, snorts or huffs, pops its jaw, or bares its teeth is likely stressed and is asking for more space. Give it to him. Bears may also bluff their way out of an encounter by charging, then turning away at the last second. Stand your ground.

A bear that follows you, circles or cuts you off is likely displaying predatory behaviour. This is more common in black bears. Face the bear and act aggressively. Throw rocks and sticks.

If a Bear Charges:

If it’s a Black Bear, stand and fight. Grab the closest stick and bash him across the nose. Throw things. If you’re carrying bear spray, use it. Any of these actions may convince the bear to leave you alone.

If it’s a Grizzly Bear, play dead. Protect your face, and the back of your head and neck with your arms. The typical grizzly attack happens as a result of surprise, so non-aggressive behavior generally works.

Here’s an easy way to remember: If it’s black, fight back. If it’s brown, lie down.

Real Life Superheroes, Part 7

You’ve probably heard of exteme sports like base-jumping, free-running, and wake-boarding…

But have you heard of the greatest adrenaline rush of all?

Let me introduce you to…extreme ironing.

Let’s face it. Everyone’s gotta iron. And ironing’s pretty boring. So why not make ironing time more fun?

Welp!

I’m a bit OCD, so this sport really speaks to me. You can do extreme ironing anywhere. Atop a mountain, on board a roller coaster, even at the bottom of the ocean. All it has to be is…extreme.

Uh…dude…there’s a shark above your head.

If you love challenging outdoor activities and the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt, then extreme ironing is for you!

And guess what… One of the stars of the sport is a 17 year-old kid.

Most teenagers aren’t too fond of housework, but Kevin Krupitzer is an exception. He’s particularly interested in removing creases from his clothes on top of weird rock formations near his home in Arizona.

My hero, the young Kevin Krupitzer

That doesn’t look too extreme, does it? Wait a second…let me show you a wide shot:

No matter how peculiar your passions may be, the world is waiting to see you succeed.

Sweaty to Office Ready

A few Februaries ago, while standing on a streetcar, politely absorbing the cloud of germs radiating from the human flu cases all around me, I glanced out the window and had a revelation.

A happy-looking runner bounded up the sidewalk. A vapour trail of snow whorled behind her.

Brilliant, I thought! Why hadn’t I thought of it before? Instead of suffering for hours on public transit, I could be running to work, and losing weight at the same time!

Ever since that revelation, I’ve been running to and from work every day. I’m saving money on transit, I’m saving time, and my oxygen-rich blood has led to improved performance at work.

Still, I’ll be the first to admit that the running commute can be fraught with peril. Over the years I’ve been caught half-in and half-out of my spandex tights in the photocopy room. I’ve been referred to as “Chicken Legs Carroll” at a staff meeting. And I’ve been accused of “stinking up” workstations 2G208 through 2G212.

More on that latter item in a moment, but first, I’d like to address the most significant challenge facing the commuting runner: wardrobe planning. Any casual runner is capable of keeping a spare shirt or two at the office. But what about us addicts who run both to and from work, each and every day of the week? To do this successfully, some planning is in order.

Once a week, I pack a duffel bag full of clean clothes and shlep it downtown. Three pairs of pants, three dress shirts, and four tee-shirts generally do the trick. I also leave a few items at work permanently – sports jacket, belts, a filing cabinet full of clean socks.

My filing cabinet holds all manner of fine toggery

It’s not a fail-safe plan. Countless are the times I’ve grabbed a clean shirt, shoes, underwear and socks from my filing cabinet, and headed for the showers only to discover that I have no pants.

What the….WHERE ARE MY PANTS!?!

Ever sat through a board meeting in dri-fit shorts?

But maintaining a satellite wardrobe is only the half the battle. It’s also critically important to be pre-emptive with one’s sweaty laundry.

Hide-a-stench

For this, I look no further than my trusty Coleman cooler. With its airtight seal, that baby can store up to 3 days worth of biological waste without emitting any foul smog.

Despite these precautions, I still get the occasional complaint from my neighbor at workstation 2G212. I’m doing everything I can, but frankly, I think it’s time for our industry leaders to lend a hand. If companies really want to attract health-conscious and carbon-neutral employees, they need to get ahead of the fitness curve. I’m not talking about bike racks and shower rooms. These days, those are the mere baseline. I’m talking about lunch-hour massages, Gatorade and Clif shot energy gels in the vending machines, and most importantly, same-day dry cleaning service.

And would it really kill our bosses to keep an ironing board in the photocopy room? I mean, c’mon!