Amazing Human Tricks

Admit it – you can do a weird trick with your body. Maybe you can wiggle your ears, or crack your knuckles. Maybe you can change your eye colour at will.

We all have weird party tricks we can do with our bodies. A couple of years back, when I was producing a live comedy show, I met a guy who could fit his whole body through a tennis racquet:

The question arises – what good could it possibly do to squeeze your body through a tennis racquet while simultaneously juggling rubber balls?

Answer: it does you no good whatsoever. But hey, it’s fun! And you get to appear on live comedy shows.

My own personal trick is rather peculiar. I can talk backwards. Listen:

https://ultranovel.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/dave-talks-backwards-2.mp3

Actually, they never did invite me back.

But listen – in that radio show appearance, I only flipped the words in each sentence around, and repeated them back in the opposite order. Since then, I’ve learned that some people can actually speak backwards phonetically. That is to say, they can flip all the individual letters in each word around, and then pronounce them back-to-front.

Kind of like this girl:

Sweaty to Office Ready

A few Februaries ago, while standing on a streetcar, politely absorbing the cloud of germs radiating from the human flu cases all around me, I glanced out the window and had a revelation.

A happy-looking runner bounded up the sidewalk. A vapour trail of snow whorled behind her.

*Jan 19 - 00:05*Brilliant, I thought!  Why hadn’t I thought of it before?  Instead of suffering for hours on public transit, I could be running to work, and losing weight at the same time!

Ever since that revelation, I’ve been running to and from work every day.  I’m saving money on transit, I’m saving time, and my oxygen-rich blood has led to improved performance at work.

Still, I’ll be the first to admit that the running commute can be fraught with peril. Over the years I’ve been caught half-in and half-out of my spandex tights in the photocopy room.  I’ve been referred to as “Chicken Legs Carroll” at a staff meeting.  And I’ve been accused of “stinking up” workstations 2G208 through 2G212.

More on that latter item in a moment, but first, I’d like to address the most significant challenge facing the commuting runner: wardrobe planning.  Any casual runner is capable of keeping a spare shirt or two at the office.  But what about us addicts who run both to and from work, each and every day of the week?  To do this successfully, some planning is in order.

Once a week, I pack a duffel bag full of clean clothes and shlep it downtown. Three pairs of pants, three dress shirts, and four tee-shirts generally do the trick. I also leave a few items at work permanently – sports jacket, belts, a filing cabinet full of clean socks.

clothes pic

My filing cabinet holds all manner of fine toggery

It’s not a fail-safe plan.  Countless are the times I’ve grabbed a clean shirt, shoes, underwear and socks from my filing cabinet, and headed for the showers only to discover that I have no pants.

What the….WHERE ARE MY PANTS!?!

Ever sat through a board meeting in dri-fit shorts?

But maintaining a satellite wardrobe is only the half the battle.  It’s also critically important to be pre-emptive with one’s sweaty laundry.

cooler pic

Hide-a-stench

For this, I look no further than my trusty Coleman cooler.  With its airtight seal, that baby can store up to 3 days worth of biological waste without emitting any foul smog.

Despite these precautions, I still get the occasional complaint from my neighbor at workstation 2G212.  I’m doing everything I can, but frankly, I think it’s time for our industry leaders to lend a hand.  If companies really want to attract health-conscious and carbon-neutral employees, they need to get ahead of the fitness curve.  I’m not talking about bike racks and shower rooms.  These days, those are the mere baseline.  I’m talking about lunch-hour massages, Gatorade and Clif shot energy gels in the vending machines, and most importantly, same-day dry cleaning service.

And would it really kill our bosses to keep an ironing board in the photocopy room?  I mean, c’mon!

The evidence beneath my desk

The evidence beneath my desk

You’ll find a good article with tips on how to run-commute here.